I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”