(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem