Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.