The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.