I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”