me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!