What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy