What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.