even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
#MeanwhileinCanada
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.