My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.