A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.