I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
What even happened today?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*