If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.