Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face