*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.