I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…