one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
