I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?