Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess