HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
