Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.