[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
HOW DARE YOU
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city