me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.