I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”