[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’