You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too