[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts