When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy