My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?