I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Who says great literature is dead?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!