[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I unironically love this joke.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over