waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
