trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait