{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
