I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE