It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??