PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.