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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick