What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical