Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?