Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*