ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak