Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
