My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.