me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.