Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana