If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.