All my small talk is done with a car horn.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion