PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Yes, but it was never about money
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what