My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.